This is a part of the To Love Many Things series, to read about the origins click here.
All I want is for everyone to go to bed so I can escape. It was a stressful day and someone told me I wasn’t doing enough. While the words they said were “you need to do more,” what I heard was “I am not enough.” Me. This human that I’ve evolved into, isn’t enough. This shape. This creature. This entity. This being. This thing isn’t enough.
Rationally, I know it’s not true. Rationally, I know I am more than enough. I know I do more. I know I say more. I know I AM more. But regardless, what I heard was, “I am not enough.” Period. Full stop. I. Am. Not. Enough. And what I felt was “I am too much.” Too much energy. Too much love. Too much joy. Too ALIVE.
Maybe, just maybe, it’d be best if I stopped. If I stopped being too much and just became enough. If I swallowed my joy and gave into my fear, and became enough. Maybe then I would be enough. Or, maybe not. Maybe I’d end up feeling just as empty. Just as dissatisfied. Just as not enough. The answer is unknown. The answer lies with, escape and know, or don’t escape and believe.
I guess that’s really the question then – do I believe? Do I believe that I’m this creative, loving, heartfelt, beautiful, entity of a soul? Maybe. I’m working on it. I’m trying. I want to believe. But believing is a risk, and escaping to old habits is safe and comfortable. But I guess the fun in believing is the thrill of the risk. High risk, high reward. If I believe I am more than enough then maybe I actually will be.