In this season’s installment of the Men Tell All, we basically get to watch two hours of shit we have already seen!
Chris Harrison leads us off with a montage of the most memorable MTA moments, most of which aren’t memorable at all. Who the fuck remembers this weird guy singing to Ali Fedotowsky now Manno???
Chris don’t try and tell me that this inexplicably fake ultrasound of Ashley and JP’s baby is the most memorable moment in MTA history. Smfh.
If we don’t get a segment of most memorable ATFR moments now I will RIOT because we all know those moments are far more iconic.
LUCAS & BLAKE
Let’s bring up a feud literally all of Bachelor Nation has since forgotten about.
Lucas: “Blake why are you so obsessed with me.”
How many times can CBH say wrong reasons? Can someone stream Desiree’s wrong reasons rap please?
Omg Alex’s suit. Why isn’t this guy getting more airtime?
DEMARIO & LEXI
I’m embarrassed to repeat this actual statement by DeMario: “Like The Weeknd say, I only call you when it’s half past 5. She was a side chick!!”
Chris: “DeMario, you told me you dated.”
DeMario “Alternative Facts.”
Chris: “DeMario I have the tapes.”
Jamey tries to call out Demario to which he replies “who the fuck are you??” I. C. O. N. I. C.
KENNY & LEE
Not sure why CBH thinks Dean is the master narrator of this drama but I’m OK with it because, well, Dean.
Demario is going to bat for Lee? El oh el.
KENNY IN THE HOT SEAT
Will is really stretching for relevancy. Enough with his 2 cents about this situation.
Lee: “OK GUYS I must confess Kenny never pulled me of of the van.”
Kenny: “No fuckin shit.”
Chris brings out Kenny’s daughter and omg Mackenzie is so old compared to everyone else’s children in this franchise. She ain’t no Amanda Stanton child that’s 4sure.
CBH is channeling his inner Oprah giving out free Disney trips to Kenny’s kid. I mean how else would you convince a seemingly intelligent young girl to come on this trash can of a television show?
LEE IN THE HOT SEAT
Dean is roasting Lee for his Instagram game and I’m laughing.
Dean: “Lee like you didn’t even post an Instagram of an apology written in the Notes App after those tweets came to light!!”
Serious Chris Harrison displays all of Lee’s tweets and all political issues aside, these have me fucking dying.
Actual Tweet from Lee: Josiah: “Why did you even come here for a black Bachelorette???” I mean, good question tbh.
Lee: “Racism bothers me!”
DeMario is wilding over Lee’s tweet about the NAACP (with good reason) and Little Bill arrives to put Lee’s ass in his place for being racist as shit.
Is this season’s tag line “keep it 100?” I don’t understand why everyone is trying to keep it 100.
Kenny and Lee hug it out. What the fuck.
@DEANIESBABIES IN THE HOT SEAT
Ugh Dean, I’m not crying.
They show a TBT preview of Dean this past season and my word his hometown was fucking iconic.
CBH: “So your hometown…..”
Pretty sure Dean is actually not sad whatsoever about this and 100% was on Bachelor in Paradise so this heartbreak chat is all for naught.
Rachel makes her contractually obliged appearance on this fire storm and it’s a snooze fest.
Somehow Matt comes up and Rachel says “who is Matt?????” and I am alive. Poor Matt. I hope you get your moment in Paradise.
Fred kind of tries to call out Rachel while also complimenting her and he gets a fucking standing ovation from the guys. I’m so confused on who Fred even is.
After all of this “madness” aka two hours gone from my life (I feel like I say this every week), ABC wrongs all of America by not ONLY not releasing a BIP trailer, but we also don’t even get a fucking preview into Rachel’s finale.
See you all next week for the dramatic conclusion of Rachel’s quest for love.