Well rose lovers, another soul sucking season of the Bachelorette has come and gone. Despite having arguably the most chill and normal bachelorette in Rachel, this season was an overall drag with no actual drama. I guess this show really isn’t meant for normal people.
In a new and stupid idea for 2017, ABC thought it would be a good idea to do a mash up of the finale and After The Final Rose by having Rachel casually watch and recap the finale with Chris Harrison in the studio and bring out each guy as they are eliminated. Let’s all agree to never fucking do this again. I mean, this season’s ending was so trash they didn’t have much of a choice but STILL.
OVERNIGHT WITH PETER
We pick up this finale in Rachel and Peter’s tearful fantasy suite argument over that fact that Peter has zero interest in looking at Neil Lane diamonds for Rachel because he isn’t ready to propose after three weeks. Did anyone fucking tell Peter what show he was going on??? Anyways, this glaring red flag doesn’t deter Peter and Rachel from having sex because Peter is currently leading the fuckboy game.
How is Rachel slaying the game without make up and also with eyelashes??? Tell me your secrets.
OVERNIGHT WITH BRYAN
Can someone tell me why we only saw one overnight date last week during fantasy suites? This episode is exhausting. Why am I being forced to watch two dates with the same two dudes?
Anyways, Rachel is sad during her date with Bryan because she can’t stop thinking about Peter. This is definitely a sign she should get engaged to Bryan. Definitely.
Bryan: “Something seems off with you.”
Rachel: “Yes, I’m in love with Peter.”
TBH this date is kind of a bore and I can’t even remember the details. We knew Bryan was going to say yes to the fantasy suite (do people ever say no anymore??). We knew they were going to bang. We knew Bryan was going to want to get engaged. End date.
ROSE CEREMONY: FINAL 3
Maybe it’s just me but I literally forgot Eric was even here still.
Rachel shows up to the rose ceremony in this ensemble and even my boyfriend took a moment out of his life to comment on it’s atrocity.
Rachel: “This was a tough week. Just so y’all know, I want to be engaged at the end of this. I’m not here for a boyfriend.” *cough Peter cough*
Also Rachel: “Peter will you accept this rose?”
In a move we NEVER saw coming, Eric gets eliminated. BUT have no fear because we get to reconnect with him immediately back at the studio!
Eric definitely has that post Bachelorette season glow-up going on. Nothing like staring at yourself on TV for the last eight weeks to mind fuck yourself into growing a beard.
Eric is on his A+ Bachelor game and is and has taken this break up like a champ. He is sweet, respectful, and understanding. I’m sorry I’ve never seen such an amicable break up in my life. Are you sure you guys even liked each other???
I wonder how mad Eric is underneath this all that he didn’t get the invite to Paradise. TBH he would have thrived there.
Anyways, back to the finale.
FINAL DATE WITH BRYAN
Now that Bryan has made it into the coveted top two, we get to watch him go on yet another date with Rachel in Spain. Snooze.
In a very non-Bachelor Nation move, they go for a hot air balloon ride. ABC, time to get some new material.
Bryan’s weird I Love You please pick me gift is a hand written Spanish dictionary. Bryan, you are more white washed than Juan Pablo. Just because you live in Miami does not make you Spanish. Stop trying to make Spanish Bryan happen.
FINAL DATE WITH PETER
If you are here for drama you have come to the right fucking date.
Peter and Rachel do some bullshit date that I can’t even remember and FINALLY we are at the night portion of this date.
Peter, for the 100th time, tells Rachel he is not down to propose yet but would love for Rachel to be his main chick.
Peter: “I am in no way am ready to propose after three weeks. I have a brain.”
Rachel: “That is not okay.”
Peter: “Kk enjoy your mediocre life without me.”
This break up is actually super relatable and real. Not only are they both crying but they like each other so much that they are making out mid cry as their goodbye. WAIT does this mean Bryan wins?! SMHHHH Rachel.
Rachel legitimately cried her eyelashes off.
Back at the studio…
Chris Harrison: “Rachel, wow, that kiss, those tears.”
Wow Chris you really know how to kick a girl while she’s down. On that note, let’s bring out Peter!!
Rachel to Peter: “I don’t think this show was for you. Sorry.”
Peter, internally: “Interesting because I am absolutely going to be the next Bachelor. Have you seen me???”
Chris keeps hammering Peter over saying “what is wrong with me??” mid break up and tbh this is just getting more awkward than it already is. Chris is also allowing way too many awkward silences here. Please tranquilize me.
Rachel: “This is frustrating”
Peter: “I feel attacked. I walked by her eyelashes on the floor for two days. Why didn’t you provide a daily maid service?”
Now that we have realized that Peter somehow doesn’t win this thing, we are subjected to the most anti climactic ending in recent memory.
Stop showing us scenes of Rachel doing her hair as if she doesn’t get have a personal stylist. We all know the lead gets the red carpet treatment.
HI NEIL LANE you have been missed. TBH Neil got shafted on his airtime this season. Less than 20 seconds!? Neil is the glue that holds this franchise together.
Important note: Rachel’s dress is GOALS.
I would be rioting if someone made me get engaged in this wind and my hair was getting this fucked up. K but on the real I can’t even hear them over this wind.
Rachel, thirsty af for this Neil Lane ring or just any ring in general, obviously says yes to Bryan’s proposal which brings another soul sucking season of The Bachelorette to a close.
Bryan, knowing none of us have thrown up in our mouths since last Monday, decides its totally normal and real to re-propose to Rachel in his brief ATFR segment and now I want to die.
Well rose lovers, I wish I could say I will see you all next season, but alas we don’t even get a week off before Bachelor in Paradise returns for not one but TWO nights of a premiere next week. I talk shit about this like I won’t watch and recap, but for the love of God please I need a week off for my own mental sanity.
See you all next week for what is guaranteed to be a shit show, Bachelor in Paradise!!