Welcome back rose lovers! It’s hard to believe it has already been ten weeks since we witnessed Nick Viall’s journey to love with boring ass Vanessa. Alas we are back with a massive upgrade from last season with our queen, Rachel Lindsay. If you didn’t get a chance to tune in last night, all I have to say is we are in for a bumpy ride this summer.
We start off with a look back at Rachel getting ‘heartbroken’ by Nick which we all know is hilarious because on a scale of 1 to 10 her break up with Nick was like a 2 on the sad scale. After this look back, we get a few totally not staged/scripted shots of Rachel in her attorney element. PLEASE Rachel don’t turn into an Andi Dorfman, I am begging you.
Omg the producers let Rachel bring her dog with her this season. This dog is SO CUTE.
Our first (and only??) single dad is Kenny. His professional wrestling name is Pretty Boy Pitbull and I am done with this world. We see his daughter who is 10 which is old as shit compared to the usual Bachelor Nation children. Kenny seems normal for a professional wrestler.
Next we have Jack Stone. WTF kind of name is Jack Stone? There is literally only one Jack this season so WHY is this last name included? Is Stone even his last name? Jack’s Mom died when he was in high school so we have sob story #1 of the night and we are only 15 minutes into this thang.
Alex is sad because people think he is a meat head but he actually loves to code. Alex is a loser.
Mo is our token Indian man this season and his intro video is a deleted scene from Slumdog Millionaire. Apparently he does Bollywood dancing competitively. I did not know such a thing even existed.
Next up we have Lucas and he is the fucking worst. I actually read an article titled “Is Lucas the worst contestant we have ever had?” Yes, yes he is. All he does is wail “Wahhhhboom” and it’s so fucking weird. There is no logic and he is has officially embarrassed all of Woodside, CA. I am pretty sure Lucas walked straight off the set of Workaholics onto this show.
Blake is an ‘Aspiring Drummer’ aka he is unemployed. Nobody cares about your dick size, Blake.
Diggy has the most swag thus far, solely based of his collection of 575 pairs of shoes. He has more shoes than there are days in the year and IDK whether to be concerned or low key jealous. Definitely jealous.
Our last intro video is for Josiah who has the sob story of all sob stories. Before we get to that he has the cutest pitbull dog. Can I dog sit??? Back to the sob story, his brother killed himself when Josiah was 7 and he had to cut him down from the tree in the yard. WHERE does the casting department find these people with these stories???
RACHEL & THE GIRLS
Apparently Rachel was not worthy of a pow wow from former actual Bachelorette’s so she just gets a squad of her highly unqualified for this gig besties from Nick’s season. Someone please tell me why Astrid is here??? Astrid is getting more airtime in this segment than she did in the entirety of Nick’s season. Corinne is here which leads me to believe that these girls actually like her and that producers are just mean. This segment is a whole lot of nothing but my girl Whitney ‘warns’ Rachel that one of her dudes (DeMario) might have the wrong intentions. Girl, none of these guys have good intentions they all just want to be Instagram famous like you.
Peter is first out of the limo tonight which gives him a 95% chance of making the final 4. He is also FLAMES. He is a way hotter version of Luke Pell and has a cute little gap in his teeth that matches Rachel’s.
Next we have our token Asian guy. There is always a token Asian.
Bryan is a chiropractor and also Latino so I just have sit and pray that he serves the Latino community better than useless ass Juan Pablo did.
Dean is literally my age but he is such SO PRESH. We met him on After the Final Rose a couple months ago and he was the one who told Rach that he “wants to go black and never go back.” Why Dean, why. Hopefully this is the Dean redemption tour.
Next up we have a White Guy with a Guitar (WGWAG). Every season has their own James Taylor and I guess this guy is him. Sorry I don’t even remember his name so he will be known as the WGWAG.
Ugh Jonathan is creepy as fuck. If I have to watch this man tickle anyone for the rest of this episode I will be horrified. Also, shout out to the producer that convinced him to agree with listing his occupation as “Tickle Monster”. You can’t make this shit up, man.
Jedediah quotes the Bible to Rachel and this guy has to be Mormon. There are just not people named Jedediah who aren’t Mormon.
They showed some more limo but I don’t care enough to write about them because they were basic af.
INSIDE THE MANSION
Dude, can we send Wahboom back to where he fucking came from?
Lucas, entering the Mansion: “WAHHHHHHBOOOOOOM”
DeMario: “Well we found the crazy one”
Literally everyone else is in mutual agreement.
Did I mention Lucas is wearing a tank top that says Wahboom and also has a caricature of himself?
This guy named Adam brought the creepiest fucking doll of himself which he named Adam Jr (AJ). This is not how you break the ice, Adam. I feel most bad for the person that spent hours painting AJ’s face onto this doll. It really is so weird. I feel like we’re watching one of the Chucky movies. I hate to admit that I laughed at all of the ITM interviews with AJ Doll and the fact that they had a producer literally do voice overs for him.
Ugh, Chris Harrison just presented the first impression rose on the Anthropologie agate cheese board that I can’t bring myself to spend $70 on.
Peter: “I brought you some chocolate from Wisconsin.”
Rachel: “Sorry but I don’t like chocolate.”
Peter: “I will literally throw this in the fire if you don’t want it.”
After much anticipation, Rachel presents her first impression rose to Bryan the chiropractor and I have to assume it’s because he was the only one to make out with her. His chances of making hometowns have just increased to 75%. The good news is he is hot.
Mo is the drunk person of the night and drunk Mo is just no.
There are so many guys this season that Rachel has like eight rose bushes worth of roses to give out.
Peter gets the first rose. First out of the limo and first rose? This guy is going to final four for sure.
It would be exhaustive to list everyone that got sent home but I actually have to LOL at all these men that got passed on while Wahboom got a rose. Lmaooooooo.
The token Asian and the token Indian guy both get eliminated, so maybe the weekly quotas are out the door this season.
We all know the best part of the premiere is getting to see the extended preview into Rachel’s season and it does not disappoint. OMG WGWAG looks like he is the villain. Bring on the cat fights, boys.
See you all next Monday where we can finally start to learn some of these guys names!