HOMETOWNS HOMETOWNS HOMETOWNS. Finally we get to pretty much the only stimulating episode this show has to offer anymore. We have been hyped in the last week about the most dramatic hometown date ever and for once it was actually pretty accurate
BALTIMORE, MD: ERIC
First up (aka the forgettable hometown slot) is Eric.
Eric has apparently never brought a girl home and suddenly I’m embarrassed by the number of guys I’ve brought home.
Ok Eric’s family is normal af, no wonder he got the first slot. There are so many weaves up in here.
Aunt Verna be dropping truth about Rachel being the first black Bachelorette and I’m here for it.
Sorry I don’t have more comments about Eric’s date because well, it was boring.
Mom approves so on to the next
MIAMI, FL: BRYAN
Next up we head to Miami for Bryan’s hometown and I’m slightly terrified of the Juan Pablo similarities I am seeing.
Bryan is our interim Google Translate on this date and can someone tell my why the fuck we are playing dominoes?
I get the vibe that Bryan actually lives in a suburb outside of Miami but annoyingly claims he is from Miami.
Bryan’s mom would get along extremely well with Jojo’s mom. You signed up for the wrong season, kid.
This mom for sure married a rich husband so she could live the housewife life.
Can we get some subtitles on Mama Bryan here?? Wait I spoke to soon, they actually just added them.
I wonder if Bryan is embarrassed at this Mama’s boy image he is getting from this episode. It’s honestly kind of terrifying.
Bryan is officially the first I Love You of the season and there is just no way this guy doesn’t win.
With that, we are off to Wisconsin for Peter’s date and I’m most excited to just stare at Peter for the next half hour.
MADISON, WI: PETER
PETER IS SO HOT. Ok now that that’s out of the way.
TBH this is not what I expected Peter’s squad to look like. These girl friends are amped for all the Instagram followers they are gonna get after this quick appearance.
I feel like Rachel is just using the exact same limo exit story for everyone’s parents and just replacing their names.
Peter, bringing his A game, immediately grabs the child in the room.
Lynn is throwing her damn child under the bus to Rachel rn which I honestly thought would end worse for Peter but per usual, the preview drama was FAKE. Stop scamming me, ABC.
ASPEN, CO: DEAN
FINALLY the date I have been waiting for. Dean and his weird as fuck dad.
*Side note: In all seriousness, disregarding all of my jokes about Dean’s family, this is some fucked up shit for this show to be airing on national TV. It’s offensive to Sikh people everywhere, and honestly just tragic to anyone with a broken home. Dean did not deserve this and you can tell how uncomfortable he is with the entire situation.* Kk, now that I have had my sole ethical moment of the season, back to dragging these people.
I wish I could pull off a beanie like Rachel can.
To try and soften the blow that is his dad, Dean takes Rachel ATV riding and it’s presh. The post ATV champagne will help this situation.
I feel like such an asshole making fun of Dean’s dad but what in the actual fuck.
I cannot take this man’s self given name seriously. Run for the fucking hills Rachel.
Whichever producer is assigned to Dean must have gotten the LARGEST bonus in hometowns history.
Dean definitely got the best genes in this family.
Anyone out there who has had an awful step mom, this lady puts your experience to SHAME.
Omg this fight between Dean and his dad is the most awkward thing I have ever seen on this television show. How does anyone not feel for Dean in this situation?
Mr. Dean (Sorry I have no clue what the fuck his name is or how to spell it) is dropping fire on Dean.
Dad: “Whatever you think of me is just what you think of yourself.”
Dad bails on his first real conversation with Dean in years and it’s honestly so sad. This is so classless to be aired on national television.
After Dean’s dad goes off the wall outside and throws his water glass angrily, this definitely seems like the most legit time for Rachel to try and talk to him. Not.
Rachel: “Parem can I talk to you for a moment?”
Dad: “If you must.”
Have I mentioned yet how painful this is? I don’t know if I can watch this anymore. (I can, lol.)
Dean is fucking done for. This exchange between Rachel and the dad is absolutely ridiculous. Give this show their Emmy nom already (or actually don’t for being assholes!).
After that shit show, we reconvene in Texas for the rosw ceremony. Finally we get more CBH. Where has this man been all season?
CBH is prying hard for info that he already fucking knows.
Rach is casually recapping everything we have already seen. Couldn’t we have just gotten ten extra minutes of Papa Dean???
In an actually shocking but also rational choice, Rachel sends sweet baby Dean home AFTER she just told him she was falling in love with him. Shady, Rach. But in her defense I did just say run for the hills.
Well we all know it can’t get better (or worse) than this week so bring on fantasy suites! See you all next Monday! Xo