Welcome back rose lovers! This week we get four unnecessary hours of Bachelorette. You’ll get yesterday’s recap below and check back next Monday for tonight’s recap because, well, I have a life.
KENNY & LEE
We are back at the group date evening portion of the date where Kenny and Lee and arguing like children on the balcony and the other men are watching their demise through the windows. Could this be the moment we have been seeing all season of Kenny’s face bleeding? Nope? Ok nvm.
Bryan gets the group date rose because he DGAFs about the drama.
ONE ON ONE: JACK STONE
Jack Stone (something just feels strange about calling him Jack) gets the last one on one in South Carolina and this guy was fucking toast before we even started. Jack needs to relax with the serial killer looks.
*We interrupt this wildly forgettable date to check in at the hotel.*
Will and Lee are recapping the fight with Kenny last night and omg Lee is such a douchebag. At least Chad was insane and he knew it.
Will comes in hot with the BLM movement and tells Lee that you can’t just call a black man aggressive in this country.
Lee: “I just don’t understand the race card being played here.” Things racist guys from the South say.
Back to Jack Stone, sadly.
Jack is that creepy guy at the bar that won’t stop talking about the fact that he is an attorney and follows you around until you agree to him buying you a drink.
Jack gets sent home, a move that literally all of us saw coming. Peace, Jack, now you can go check on those bodies in your freezer back home.
Rachel, like the bad bitch she is, cancels the cocktail party because she too realizes that all of these men are insufferable.
At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Iggy and Tickles. Can’t believe either of them lasted this long. And with that, we are off to Norway! Much more of a redeeming location than South Carolina.
ONE ON ONE: BRYAN
Upon landing in Norway, Rachel immediately gives Bryan the first one on one because he is one of the hottest guys of the group.
Side note, Alex is the most underrated guy this season. Can we be best friends? He is literally riding the baggage claim carousel in weird pants.
Ok back to Bryan. Braychel (I have been lacking on ship names this season, so I have dubbed them Braychel) visit the tallest ski jump in Norway and are going to rappel down to the ground. It’s been a few seasons since they threw in a terrifying date like this.
Rachel, girl you knew you were going to be rappelling thousands of feet above the ground and you chose to wear heels?????? And Bryan, WHAT is this red zip up?
There is no way that Bryan isn’t making at least the top 2 after this date. During the night portion of the date, he genuinely drops the “I’m falling in love with you” line and he has stamped his ticket to the fantasy suite.
Back at the mansion, these guys need to fucking relax. Eric is complaining about the fact that there have been 5 one on ones so far and only one is with a black guy. ABC is really toeing the line here of racial insensitivity.
The group date this week is literally everyone except Kenny and Lee, obviously setting up for an “epic” 2 on 1 date, as Chris Harrison would say.
The guys show up at a handball stadium (those exist?) and are forced to wear tight little wrestling uniforms. The actual handball players aren’t even wearing this bullshit.
WHY is Dean the only person wearing a jockstrap outside of his uniform and WHY is no one on my Twitter feed addressing this?????
Peter, the only man here with a brain, doesn’t even touch the handball and spends all of his time picking up and flirting with Rachel. This 10/10 pays off for him later in the evening.
During the night portion of the date, Rachel gives zero fucks and bails on the guys for over two hours to go hot tubbing with Peter. Then, she weirdly gives the group date rose to Will. I don’t even know who Will is.
KENNY VS LEE 2.0
Single parent of the season gets his contractual face-time call to their kid at home. Kenny’s daughter is so old she literally already has her own cell phone.
The 2 on 1 date card is always so iconic. I’m embarrassed to say I recite it every time it’s read each season. 2 men, 1 rose, 1 stays, 1 goes.
There is absolutely no way that Kenny can lose this 2 on 1. Lee is so under the radar racist it’s painful. Did anyone take the time to tell Lee that Rachel is black?
Who staged all of these faux fur chairs and wicker coffee tables in the woods of Norway?
Kenny gets his first shot with Rachel and seems to hit it out of the park.
Lee, however, pulls together the most offensive list of things that Kenny may or may not have (most likely not) done this week. This includes but is not limited to: Trying to pull him out of a moving van and confessing the fact that he has a dark side when he is drunk. Wtf Lee, wtf.
Surprisingly (not surprisingly at all), we don’t see Kenny’s bleeding face this episode and I’m starting to think we will never see it at all. We get a “to be continued,” and I’m starting to become genuinely baffled at how many episodes they can drag the Kenny and Lee feud into. At this point, it’s impressive.
Next Monday ABC is running a re-run because of the holiday, so I will see y’all next Monday for tonight’s recap!