Can someone please tell me how we only are on episode 4 of this season? I feel like I have been watching these grown men yell at each other since March.
LAST WEEK’S ROSE CEREMONY
In case your forgot what happened last week (aka two weeks ago in ABC time) we got hit with a “to be continued” in a fight between Lee and basically every black man in the house.
We are dropped right back into the drama in the midst of the #BacheloretteBrawl.
Kenny and Eric are taking turns getting into fights with Lee, and this is all the more comical given the recent Twitter scandal involving Lee’s racist tweets.
Lee is like a southern frat boy with an intense case of little man syndrome. What is he, 5’4″?
Dean: “Lee…he’s just kind of a bitch.” Yep.
Chris B Harrison, resident fairy god mother, swoops in and rescues Rachel from her first real cry sesh of the season. Gotta respect Rachel’s hustle with these tears because you can TELL she is doing the most to not fuck up her fake lashes.
I swear every rose ceremony is one continuous “Who????” in my brain. I feel like I should know who these guys are by now but I have no fucking clue.
We say goodbye to Ken Doll Brady and Diggy and his 185 pairs of shoes.
And with that, we are headed to…………South Carolina?
ONE ON ONE
My sweet angel baby Dean gets the first one on one date in South Carolina. Dean drives Rachel out to some meadow for a picnic and I’m not even sure Dean is old enough to drive with other passengers in the car.
They go for a casual blimp ride, because hot air balloons are so season 8.
At the night portion of the date, Dean makes an extremely bold move by wearing white pants. You know what they say about white pants…..JK Dean would never. I love you.
Dean tells Rachel about how his Mom died (RIP, for real) and it is so freaking sad. I’LL DATE YOU DEAN. Obvi, Dean gets a rose and they are treated to a country concert by someone we also have never heard of. Gonna go out on a limb and say that Russell Dickerson got this turnout for his concert because of Rachel and Dean. I guarantee no one has fucking heard of him.
This week’s group date contains literally every guy in the house except for Dean (who already had a date) and Jack (??) who will get the 2nd one on one.
Rachel and the guys pop on a casual yacht and do weird things like dance circles and free style rap.
Jonathan gets into the dance circle and THE GUYS ARE CHANTING “GO TICKLE, GO TICKLE” and I am officially in a grave. TBH, how is tickle still around?
Kenny, Josiah, Will, etc are all free styling when sweet white as hell Peter decides to drop a verse. Bless his heart.
Now that everyone has had enough to drink, Chris Harrison forces these men to partake in a Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee. Who made this trash ass Spelling Bee sign? I made better signs for my ASB Assemblies in high school.
After an embarrassing showing by literally everyone, Josiah wins the spelling bee.
It’s time for the night portion of this date where we all know based on the six previews earlier this episode that shit is about to hit the fan.
Iggy, resident gossip girl, uses his time with Rachel to talk shit about Josiah. It’s ok though, because he has the decency to throw himself under the bus and tell Josiah. I’m starting to see a trend here, Iggy. For some reason you find one the one person who won a challenge or was having the best connection and decide to trash them to Rachel. You know what they say, twice is a coincidence, three times is a conspiracy. MAYBE Iggy is the true low key villain here. Or he just annoys me. One of the two.
Lee then uses his time to bash Kenny, and Kenny to bash Lee, and I swear this is a scene from Mean Girls.
Kenny, about to murder Lee, takes him outside to the balcony.
Will, grabbing his popcorn: “I don’t start drama and try and stay away from it, BUT I will watch it.”
To Be Continued, we meet again, and I’m starting to think we may never end on an actual rose ceremony.
Buckle up Bachelor Nation, because we have two nights of new episodes next week. Translation, shit, I have to commit four hours of my week to this next week.