If you don’t make time to watch Bachelorette on a holiday Monday, time to get your priorities back in order. On that note, welcome to this season’s first installment of “here for the wrong reasons!”
Before we get to #wrongreasons, let’s look back on the less thrilling or important dates of this episode.
GROUP DATE 1
This episode kicks off with a group date and the following guys are in attendance: Jonathan, Blake, Whaboom, Kenny, Iggy, Dean, Fred, Jack, and probably a few more nobodies.
After a quick BBQ, we are graced with the presence of Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis who claim they called the producers to get on an episode but that sounds fake.
Mila to the guys: “Who here has health insurance???”
Pretty alarming that not everyone raised their hands here. Dean raises his hand but we all know Dean is only 25 so he is chilling on his parents dime for another year.
Mila also asks for a show of hands on who has a job and everyone raises their hands. I’m sorry Blake but Aspiring Drummer is not a fucking job.
The guys are put through a “husband material” challenge to which Ashton straight up says, “None of these guys are winning this season.” Fact.
Anyhow, Whaboom somehow wins this challenge after stiff-arming Kenny to the ground and I think that Blake is going to fling himself into the Malibu Canyon as a result.
Blake: “Lucas cheated like 4 times!!! He is only here to promote Whaboom!! ” Shut the fuck up Blake.
ABC needs to stop trying to make this Blake-Lucas feud happen. It’s not going to happen!
Ticklemonster (Jonathan) actually seems more normal than his bio leads me to believe. #JusticeforTickleMonster
Blake uses his alone time with Rachel to talk shit about Whaboom (Lucas). Bro you can’t be throwing people under the bus this soon, this season has literally only been active for 3 hours!
Kenny drops the line of the night in response to this weird fight between Lucas and Blake and says, “Look I’m a professional wrestler I know a lot about white dudes being crazy but damn.”
At the end of the group date, my sweet angel baby Dean get’s the group date rose.
1 ON 1
Peter and his cute gap teeth/beautiful McDreamy salt and pepper hair gets the first 1 on 1 date of the season. Peter is taking this thing HOME.
Peter literally has the date of my dreams. Not only does Rachel’s dog Copper (also a good boy) get to come on this date, but they go to a literal dog party and this is what dreams must be made of.
At the night portion of their date, they bonded about their gap teeth and going to therapy and obviously Peter get’s a rose.
GROUP DATE 2
The second group date of the week is a basketball date with: DeMario, Diggy, Lee, Matt (who the hell?), Eric, and honestly I can’t remember the at least 5 others.
Kareem Abdul Jabbar (definitely had to Google that spelling) is the surprise guest and lmaooo all 5 black guys on this date are fangirling so hard and it’s just like when all the white girls on The Bachelor fangirl over country singers.
They keep showing ITM’s of Matt and I swear I have never seen this man in my life.
We get to the basketball game in front of a packed house of people who saw the Twitter invitation from @BachelorABC and it is so bad. The competition in the Dunder Mifflin warehouse was a better basketball showing than these guys.
After this terrible excuse of athleticism from the men winds down we are introduced to this season’s fuckboy, DeMario.
DeMario’s “girlfriend” shows up to this basketball game to tell Rachel that they have been dating for 7 months. He then ghosted her for 3 days and the next time she saw him was on After the Final Rose so he is clearly here for the #wrongreasons. Super shady but TBH this Lexi girl also seems like a delusional dater.
There is nothing more comical that DeMario seeing this girl and saying, “Yo who is this??”
DeMario: “I don’t know this girl.”
DeMario: “Well actually, we have had sexual intercourse before.”
DeMario: “I broke up with her in person though!”
Lexi: “I swear on my kittens that never happened.”
WHO SWEARS ON THEIR KITTENS???? This exchange is so fucking weird.
Anyway, Rachel doesn’t have time for this shit and actually tells DeMario to get the fuck out. Rachel is a QUEEN. She also swerves Chris Harrison by dipping into the women’s restroom and it is life.
After the DeMario drama simmers down, Josiah gets the group date rose.
We don’t get much of the cocktail party, because ABC has been implementing their to be continued endings for what feels like the last 10 seasons.
We briefly get to watch Bryan shove his tongue down Rachel’s throat before we are *shockingly* interrupted by DeMario trying get past security. Chris Harrison is really earning his paycheck this episode.
Rachel, a bad bitch, agrees to talk to him because she is curious as to what this clown will say.
Standby 1 week to see the impending DeMario showdown, as we get our first, and definitely not last, To Be Continued of the season.