I am going to start off by saying that three hours of Bachelorette is ridiculous. Congratulations if you are Bachelor Trash (me) and made it through the marathon. Three hours of life that we will never get back but it’s fine, we’re all fine.
We finally get the conclusion to JoJo’s love story and it’s exactly what we thought it would be however many weeks ago on night 1.
Common sense Spoiler Alert! Jordan won.
Let’s get into it.
Meeting the Fletcher’s
The Fletcher’s are such a bizarre family. 0/4 siblings look alike and I didn’t even know JoJo had a sister, and now that I do, I feel bad for her. No one ever wants to be the less hot sister. No one.
I suddenly understand why JoJo took the plastic surgery route.
Ahhh hello Soraya. Somebody give this woman a bottle of wine.
Jordan gets his first shot at meeting the family and he is bringing his most average game today.
WTF are these hats, Jordan?
The big story from this meet and greet is that Jordan didn’t ask the ‘rents for permission to marry JoJo because he is actually a normal and sane human being because JoJo has two boyfriends. Logic. More on this later.
Next up is Robby/living Ken Doll who somehow manages to play every single card right.
This is the most I have liked Robby all season. That isn’t saying much though.
The Fletcher’s are picking up literally everything that Robby is throwing down. They clearly haven’t read the tabloids.
JoJo’s Mom: “They are both amazing but we definitely like Robby more”
JoJo: “HOW DARE YOU?”
Robby really blurs the line between in love and down right desperate.
JoJo: “So, how did you think yesterday went with the family?”
Robby: “I love you more than there are grains of sand in all the oceans and beaches of the world”
Robby must have trekked seven days and seven nights to find a local Thailand CVS with one-hour photo to develop these photos for JoJo.
Jordan: “Hi what’s up” Not the phrase you say to someone you are going to propose to in 24 hours.
Jordan, after JoJo asks why he didn’t ask her parents for permission-
*Spends entire last day and night fighting, gets engaged anyway*
This relationship has a 0% success rate.
Out of the five Neil Lane rings the guys had to choose from they easily picked the most sub par two available.
Robby: “This is the best day ever. My fiance looks amazing” Delusional.
JoJo: “I’m going to let you finish but, Jordan has the best hair of all time”
JoJo is more upset than Robby. Robby gets in the car (a Toyota! What an upgrade from the usual vans) and hopes he has the same luck as JoJo to become the runner up/next Bachelor.
No cell phones on this show-unless you’re Jordan and we just fabricated an entire story line about you needing to ask permission to marry JoJo.
Jordan: “I love you as much as I love the attention I am getting from this show and I want to spend the next six months with you, or however long I can last without Raya and Bumble. Will you marry me?”
After The Final Rose
We have finally risen from the least dramatic finale in Bachelorette history. Chris B Harrison shows off all of his VIP guests tonight including Ben and Lauren Happily Ever After, and all of his D-Listers from Bachelor In Paradise.
We are joined by Robby, who in the last six months has fantasized of his nonexistent life with JoJo and gotten an entire mouth full of veneers. Soon to be featuring Smile Sciences on Instagram. (You heard it here first.)
JoJo joins him on stage, in arguably her fugliest dress of the season:
Robby: “Do you ever picture our life together?”
JoJo: “Lol, no.”
When asked about who she thinks would make the best Bachelor, Chad sings his own praises from the crowd. This is Chad’s world and we are all just living in it.
Jordan and JoJo are finally reunited and are blessed to view a montage of every negative Us Weekly cover about them. At least People has their back.
CBH: “What is the best part about being public, now?”
JoJo: “We can finally do sponsored posts on Instagram and earn some extra cash”
They are putting on such a show about their happiness. Sorry, JoJo and Jordan, but we all believe Us Weekly over your ATFR appearance.
At least they get an ALL INCLUSIVE PAID FOR TRIP TO…….Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. ABC must have not come through enough on their week four episode at the resort that they were sued into featuring them again.
Best of luck to the happy couple! I give you until the end of 2016.