Well, it only took ABC two weeks before they threw a TO BE CONTINUED at us but for some reason I am kind of okay with it.
We start off at the mansion (which is littered with Chad’s left over cold cuts) and the men act like Chad is the only human who has left a mess around the house. Be realistic guys, we know all those copper mugs belong to more than just Chad. This is already the best episode ever.
Chase gets the first one-on-one, and tbh I kind of forget what even went on there besides weird yoga and Chase’s absurdly large lion tattoo. Can he give us a back story on that? Also, I hope I never hear the term “anger-gasm” again in my life.
Anyway, weak sob story 100 of the season: “My parents are divorced.” Chase apparently thinks he is unique and is unaware that the US divorce rate in 2016 is like, 99%.
Chase gets a rose and is innocent and sweet enough that he will probably make it to the top 4 and ruin my bracket. I had to Google this singer from the private concert to figure out they were part of Lady Antebellum-Could you not afford the whole group, ABC?
Back at the mansion, so many AMAZING THINGS are occurring. Group date card arrives:
Chad: “Tbh I would rather not go on this date with you 12 losers.” Logical, but maybe keep that to yourself.
The other guys FLIP OUT at how *ungrateful* Chad is.
Chad: “Jordan you are a 27 year old failed football player.” I mean, he’s not wrong.
ABC has literally allotted an entire hour to this group date while simultaneously showing 2 out of the 12 guys sex stories, probably for our own sanity. This leads to one of the most awkward kiss denials on this show, ever:
Alex is relishing in letting Evan fall on the sword.
Also, “if i don’t work out rn I will actually murder someone” this might be the time to send someone home ABC.
Chad: “A guy like Evan literally never ends up with the girl.” Also not wrong. I hate to say that he actually makes good points every now and then. Insane, yes but I can’t help it. I ENJOY CHAD.
Side note-How is Santa still on this show?
Evan, the bottom of the Bachelor looks totem pole, gives JoJo an ultimatum and somehow it works and I am so done with JoJo rn. Evan. Just no.
James Tay gets the second one-on-one date. The swing dancing is weird and like, WTF is JoJo’s look? She is usually so on point but the hair and the dress are just no. Thank god she re-did her hair for this night portion of the date.
James Taylor, because he is James Taylor, sings JoJo ANOTHER original song. I am mainly wondering why it wasn’t the “J-j-j-Jo-Jo” song.
I wish this show was like The Voice and that we would randomly see James Taylor at the top of the iTunes charts for 24 hours post episode. James gets a rose (and most likely a ticket to BIP).
Back at the mansion, Chad is doing Chad things, like eating a sweet potato like this:
Damn Daniel (Canadian), desperately trying to escape Chad land, compares him first to Hitler then Donald Trump. Accurate, but maybe don’t say that to the face a possible serial killer.
BachNation king Chris Harrison arrives to announce that there will be a pool party in place of a cocktail party and is confronted outside by Evan.
Side note-Evan’s obsession with Chad is mildly creepy and weird.
CBH pulls Chad aside into the yard, giddy about his ABC ratings spike.
Chris: “Look man, lay off the violence, we need you on this show and if you hit someone I am forced to send you home”
Chad is the most insane person I have ever seen on this show and let’s be real, going on a reality dating show qualifies them all as insane.
Part One Summary: Chad is cray, Evan is a joke, JoJo is oblivious, and Chris Harrison just got a raise.
We return from our 22 hour Bachelorette hiatus to the impending most dramatic pool party of the season. Spoiler alert: it is not dramatic at all. Evan’s bloody nose is from diving, not Chad knocking his teeth out (missed opportunity, Chad). The most dramatic thing about this pool party is actually nothing.
At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Prince Ali, Santa Claus (finally) and the second to last minority contestant, Christian. (Pressures on Grant-can you make it farther than Jubilee?)
Evan weeps like a child because the good guys went home and sociopathic Chad still remains.
Post rose ceremony:
JoJo: “We are leaving the mansion but I am not telling you where we are going because Pennsylvania sucks.”
Upon arrival, the only scenic shots we get are of this bear, who is actually a comparison to Chad aka Chad Bear, as the men are now referring to him as:
Luke gets the first one-on-one, and enters into his Oscar winning audition for the role of next Bachelor. In a weird twist of fate, Luke lucks out and gets a decently known band and concert for his date. Concert tickets must be cheaper in Pennsylvania.
Back at the *hotel* (am I still allowed to say mansion?), the group date card arrives, setting the stage for the epic 2-on-1 date between Chad and Alex. I am just going to go ahead and say that ABC should have done Chad v Evan so Evan would have been sent home because well, he’s Evan, and then we would get another week of Chad. Woo! Sadly that is not the case. More on that later.
The remaining guys head out on a group date which OF COURSE is a football date. There is no way that Jordan does not win this damn show. They are making this far to obvious.
Anyway, Ben Roethlisberger apparently didn’t get a big enough paycheck last season, so he had to resort to a guest role on The Bachelorette. This is pretty much 15 minutes of TV to show us who the athletes are, and who is completely useless (re: Evan). Poor Wells (ily) keeps getting put on these physical dates but he kind of holds his own this time around.
Somewhere along the line, James Taylor gets hurt and we are given this beautiful image:
Unshocking result: Jordan’s team wins. Chase is mad he was on a team of scrubs (tru), and the losers head back to the mansion. Jordan gets the group date rose. (Just send him to Neil Lane already.)
Finally the moment we have all been waiting for. The 2 on 1! Hopefully it can live up to Olivia v Emily last season (I hope you found your way off that island, girl), and Kelsey v Ashley I in the BADLANDS (this will be hard to top).
Luckily for Alex, the
Bachelor Gods Chad’s roid rage bestows a huge gift upon him and he now has a great selling point to JoJo about the fact that he is, in fact, mentally unstable.
Jordan: “Do you want to join our convo, Chad?”
Chad: “Jordan do you think I will not fucking find you in your home after this show. I will find you and I will kill you and chop you into a million little failed football player pieces.”
*^Not that much of an exaggeration
Chad and Alex head off into the woods for a romantic hike with JoJo. I am very team Alex in this situation but what are you wearing, man. You are not in the military rn, you are on the Bachelorette.
As expected, Alex tells JoJo that Chad threatened Jordan and she panics because Jordan is the only dude she cares about at this point. She confronts Chad who admits to it, and it is the nail in his coffin.
Chad: “I am not happy with you, Alex”
Unfortunately, this is all we get. ABC throws us another “to be continued,” forces us to wait TWO FULL WEEKS to see the end of the Chad Saga. The promo for next ep is AMAZING and I am so excited to see how this one ends.
Until June 20th, xoxo rose lovers