The Bachelorette is the gift that keeps on giving and Week 2 did not disappoint.
Literally 4 minutes in and we are at PEAK Bachelorette with this firefighting date.
Maybe it’s just me, but ABC probably shouldn’t be staging a limousine fire in the Santa Monica Mountains in the middle of a drought. Anything for the shot, tho.
The best part about this date is the fact that we get a few minutes sans Chad.
Grant, Luke, and Wells make the “final 3” (LEAVE WELLS ALONE, ABC). Finally, we are introduced to the jealous man of the season, Luke. Did you really think you had a chance to beat an actual firefighter? Do you think you will never see JoJo again? I just have so many questions. Also can we please stop saying that Grant “saved JoJo” as if she was ever in actual danger???
At the cocktail party, Luke is whining that Grant gets an extra five minutes, solidifying his place as the token jealous guy and making me regret putting him in my top 3 with every word he speaks.
Wells gets the group date rose-Yay!! Luke cries in a corner.
Meanwhile, at the mansion:
Bachelor Super Fan: “There’s nothing like watching a man, in this case, a Chad, use a weight belt in such a legendary way”
Also, back at the mansion,
Jim Halpert Derek gets the first one-on-one of the season, aka he is guaranteed at least 4 more weeks on this show. Congrats Derek!
They head to one of the best cities ever, San Francisco (go Giants!) a la private plane for a picnic and romantic dinner. Derek gets a rose.
Back at the mansion, the latest episode of Glee is filming. All of the guys, with the exception of The Chad, are standing in a Kumbaya circle singing a James Taylor original love song about JoJo. (Actual lyric: J-j-j-Jo-Jo!”) This is one of the weirdest things I have ever seen happen at this mansion.
The final date card arrives. Enter: The Chad Show
Most of the remaining guys head to ESPN for a
Sports Nation Bachelor Nation date. JoJo is talking about Steph Curry being the best shooter of our time (points for you, JoJo), and all of the guys come in drooling over her and acting like she actually knew who Steph Curry was before they filmed this date.
Chad is the best villain this show has had since Courtney Robertson. He calls JoJo naggy (even though it was clear he was joking) and ROASTS every single guy there for listing things they love about JoJo when they have known her for approximately four hours. Accurate, but kind of harsh, Chad. Ultimately, James Taylor song writes his way to the group date rose and the #1 slot in the Bachelor Nation power rankings. I wonder if James Taylor has any actual songs IRL.
The Cocktail Party
Welcome to the Bachelor Mansion, where everyone hates Chad, snacks are bottomless, and everyone hates Chad. I hate to defend Chad, but if there were that many appetizers at any social gathering I went to, I would also take advantage.
The guys are literally SO MAD that Chad has talked to JoJo three times as if he has a rose or something. It’s kind of weird. Why you are guys so obsessed with Chad?
*Chad eating a plate of deli meat* Grant: “Chad is just a meat head”
Why are JoJo and Will TPing the house? This show confuses me.
Alex confronts Chad, Chad says he will knock out his teeth. If this isn’t laying the groundwork for an Alex/Chad two-on-one date, then I don’t even know who ABC is anymore.
Alex gets the first rose. Chad: “Alex is short”
Christian gets a rose. “Chad: “Another short guy”
You aren’t even that tall, Chad.
Sadly, we say good bye to some of the better occupations on this show, Hipster and Bachelor Super Fan (you will be missed, super fan) plus a few other nameless guys and Chris B Harrison is left to clean up the mess.
Next Week on The Bachelorette: Chad Chad Chad Chad Chad Chad Chad (we get it, ABC)