Bachelor Nation We. Are. BACK. Finally order can be restored to our Monday’s by way of Chris B. Harrison, Bachelor Brackets, Man Fights, Roses, and quite a few more minority contestants than we have seen in a while-more on that later.
First thoughts of this ep: JoJo is #goals.
First things first, the former Bach Sister Squad rises. Shockingly, they all sort of have their shit together. Des makes her first Bach Nation appearance in literal years and still seemingly shops at Windsor, Kaitlyn miraculously is still dating Shawn, and Ali is pregnant with her 97.1 Amp Radio husband Kevin Manno (not her Bachelor husband but at least she gave Roberto a shout out). Kaitlyn is the star of this show and basically is the only one who doesn’t seem like she is reading from cue cards so props to you Kaitlyn. I could have only prayed that she would have advised JoJo to not tell the other guys if she bangs anyone, but we don’t always get what we want.
Intro videos are a mild disappointment. I am so torn between respecting ABC for pulling back on shameless sob stories, and also pissed at ABC for not having any shameless sob stories.
Jordan, you weren’t as good of a quarterback as your brother? Tragic.
FINALLY the man the myth the legend CBH is here to coach JoJo on the limos that are pulling up with her flock of men.
Top 5 Best Greetings
- Robby “lets chug this wine out of the bottle like your mom”
- Jordan Rodgers because, Jordan Rodgers
- Luke and his unicorn. Kind of over the top/I feel like he was too normal for that but it was a decent idea
- Wells and his Acapella Squad (i love u Wells)
- BACHELOR SUPER FAN
Worst 5 Greetings
- Saint Nick aka Santa aka Just Why, Nick???
- James Taylor and his sad handwritten love song (Why is he the only one worthy of a last name?)
- Damn Daniel- I can only imagine the Damn Daniel vine got an influx of hits after this
- Whoever the hell brought 2 blue stress balls
- Jon and his kilt
The Cocktail Party
So many drunk guys I could cry with excitement. Since when are they allowed to drunkenly interrupt ITMs? Also Vinny looks like he is fresh off the Las Vegas strip. If Daniel says Damn Daniel one more time I might have to turn this shit off. Chad, WTF is wrong with you. Classic ABC giving him this much airtime just for being an asshole. He will probs will be the bully this year. T-2 weeks until this guy is dating a former bachelor contestant or packing his bags for Paradise. Wells is the Seth Cohen of my life. Also is most likely Paradise bound.
Ali so CASUALLY whips out Beethoven. Speaking of Ali:
The First Rose Ceremony is finally upon us and I’m already annoyed that it is only 10:30pm. In classic Bachelor fashion, Jake Pavelka makes a cameo that is 100% useless. Anything for #TheRatings. Speaking of Jake Pavelka, JoJo I’m not sure you want to take any advice from the guy who had arguably to worst Bachelor Breakup in the history of this show but what do I know.
The rose ceremony ends and like any other season, 3 of the minority contestants didn’t make it past the first night. You do you, ABC. I think there are still 2 minorities left, so we will see if they make it past the next few weeks (doubtful AF). Side note – how the hell did Hipster even get a rose? Anyhow, I am joining the army that is #TeamJordan, closely followed by Wells, Luke, and Robby with his bottle of wine.
THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR: This promo is everything I could have ever hoped for.
Until next Monday, XOXO