Welcome back, rose lovers!
Now that two entire weeks have passed since our last ep and we have forgotten almost all details from our last episode, we open to Chad returning to the house for his last reign of terror. Wells, our resident peace maker/friend zone extraordinaire, is reciting an ode to Chad while the men throw protein powder off the balcony in remembrance. Why TF do I watch this show?
“How was your date, man?”
Chad: “Really good.”
That seems fake, but okay.
Even though the preview from two weeks ago made us think that Chad would injure someone or commit an act of murder, it is relatively uneventful. Shocker. Meanwhile, Evan is still complaining about his damn shirt and asks Chad for his wallet and credit cards. I’m sorry, he is acting like this was a $90 Gucci shirt, when in reality it is some shitty Hanes V-Neck from the Target men’s section.
Side note – JoJo’s dresses are always amaze.
At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to James F. (Who?) and Damn Daniel, eh. (UGH ACTUALLY MAD). HOW is Evan still in this thing. Actual vom.
JoJo announces they are heading to Uruguay, aka the entire reason half these guys even signed up for this show: free travel.
JoJo definitely had to practice in the mirror how to pronounce Punta del Este.
Jordan gets the first one-on-one (this show is so obvious) and suddenly the guys are against Jordan now that their original target Chad (RIP) is out.
The best thing to come out of this date is JoJo calling Jordan out about meeting one of his exes at a bar who told her basically that he is scum of the earth.
JoJo: “Was there cheating?”
Jordan: “Nah, not really. I like talking to girls at the bar, though” *Sips drink*
This is the most guilty reply I have ever heard.
This couple will NOT end well. If Jordan pulls off this W and they break up I can only hope that JoJo will be the second coming of Brad Womack and return for another shot at love. Regardless she believes him and is in so deep with Jordan. All of this sets the stage for this iconic moment in
UnREAL Bachelorette history:
Back at the house, Vinny the barber is doling out fresh cuts while the men read the latest edition of In Touch that was 100% not given to them by producers.
Maybe Vinny is actually responsible for how bad the hair is this season.
Summarized, JoJo’s former bae (also named Chad, sad coincidence) sold her out to IN TOUCH of all mags, saying she is only on The Bachelorette for fame (possibly accurate) and that they got back together post Ben Higgins. Speaking of gossip mags, Sean Lowe said it best:
JoJo cries WAY too hard for someone who claims to be over their ex. (Translation: she is not over her ex.)
Moving on to the group date, Alex has chosen a new public enemy and it is poor sweet
Jim Halpert Derek. Alex is actually an insane person.
Have you ever heard the term Little Man Syndrome? It’s Alex.
The group date is super awkward, and the guys go sand-boarding while also ganging up on Derek again. Derek gets the group date rose and I am still confused as to why the guys hate him so much.
Robby gets the next one-on-one, and I am on the edge of my seat waiting to see what the ocean water does to his perfectly groomed hair (take note, Jordan). Robby’s sob story is actually super sad and makes him seem slightly less insane for telling JoJo he LOVES her on their actual first date. He gets a rose and absolutely secures no worse than a hometown date this season.
frat house cocktail party, Derek tries to bury the hatchet and the guys are just SO MAD. Am I the only one who doesn’t understand why he is disliked?
Anyhow, JoJo cancels the party because she already knows who the duds are, and we say goodbye to: Grant, Vinny, and Evan (YES!!! He deserves an equal celebration as when Chad left tbh). Immediately all three are confirmed for Paradise. I love this franchise.
I cannot believe how hard these guys are crying rn. Zero of them had a one on one date. Zero.
We get a GIFT of a preview for next week and the final rose ceremony and all I can say is it looks WILD.
Until next Monday, xoxo