Another most dramatic season of The Bachelor has come to an end, as well as another string of poor decisions at the hands of Nick Viall. At least we got our last three hour Bachelor marathon out of the way for the next two months (until queen Rachel will be gracing our screens herself).
We kick off our two hour marathon with ABC trying to convince us that Nick will be #ForeverAlone and tbh that would have been a better ending.
Back at the studio, Chris Harrison actually says this sentence and I am alive.
“We have all watched Nick’s desperate search for love.” You know you’re desperate when even CBH is calling your ass out.
God the Viall’s are so done with this show. I wonder if they will be forced to attend DWTS next week too?
At this point Bella is eligible for the Guild with all of her TV appearances.
Omfg Nick’s mom is wearing a fuzzy vest. Maybe this is Nick’s poor reasoning for choosing Vanessa. Sorry, was that too early for a spoiler?
The Viall crew is completely #TeamRaven therefore solidifying that Raven will not win.
Raven and Bella have some casual girl talk about how much Vanessa kind of sucks.
When Vanessa gets her shot at meeting the family, it definitely does not meet the Raven standard, and instead sends the Viall’s into a quick family cry.
Airing the last two dates of the season are a waste of fucking time and also an hour of my life. It’s basically an hour of TV trying to convince us that the winner doesn’t win and also I just don’t care what these polygamists are doing in Finland. Except Raven, because she’s Raven.
Thankfully Raven gets the normal and actually fun date where not only do they ice skate:
BUT!! They also get to play with snow puppies:
The rest of this date is spent solidifying how awesome Raven is and how lame Nick is. Also Raven got some sense and ditched the beanie look. Bless.
Vanessa on the other hand has a train wreck date per usual.
First things first they have this terrible story line of going to meet Santa. What are we, 12?
I have no idea where they hired this Santa Claus but he sounds like one of the serial killers on an episode of Criminal Minds. Meanwhile, Vanessa weeps at her gift from Santa as if Santa is even fucking real.
Nick and Vanessa spend another date arguing about the great Bachelor debate of Canada vs. USA, and also crying through their tears because this couple is one big ball of tears.
Also, V is still wearing a god damn beanie. Please send help to Finland.
THE FINAL ROSE
My favorite part of every Nick involved season is the actual LOL of Neil Lane when he walks into the room and sees him again.
TBH, in past seasons I have obsessed over the Neil Lanes, but at this point, the limit DOES exist on how big these things should be. A little gaudy, Neil.
Raven is too pure for this show and this world. Can we be best friends?
Nick let’s poor sweet Raven pour her southern little heart out before interrupting and crushing her hopes and dreams. The good news for Raven is her dress is amazing, she is a pretty crier AND she barely even cried.
Raven:1 Nick: 0
Once Nick has wiped his Raven tears, it’s time to bring out Vanessa. I actually said, “Cute dress!” about Vanessa, most likely my first compliment on one of her outfits all season, but then she put on the fucking fur coat at ruined it all. Classic, Vanessa.
Vanessa wins, obviously, and we can finally kick Nick Viall out of this franchise for GOOD. I hope.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Congrats to Nick on finally finding the perfect Kaitlyn-Andi hybrid girl, why did I not notice this earlier?
If you are looking for the most painful hour of Monday night TV, YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. This ATFR is almost as cringeworthy as Nikki and Juan Pablo.
Raven is first out and her revenge look is flames. She is inhumanely nice, per usual, and checks off her official attendance at Bachelor in Paradise. Raven is about to be the next Amanda Stanton of Paradise, but hopefully she has better taste in men.
Nick and Vanessa are finally reunited and OMG there is absolutely zero chance this couple makes it to the Bachelorette premiere in May.
You guys. I know I bag on Vanessa’s style a lot but HOW CAN I NOT. This dress/earring combo was absolutely purchased from the Forever 21 clearance rack. Cold shoulder dresses are so 2016, Vanessa. At least we know she has no future as a fashion blogger (looking at you Lauren B and Becca).
After watching Nick and Vanessa dance around the topic of if they are actually happy or not (they aren’t), they finally get taken off our screens and I can breathe again.
After promo-ing this episode as the most historic ever (no one can be more historic than Brad Womack and Jason & Molly, Chris Harrison), we learn that Rachel will get to meet some of her guys tonight.
Holy shit if you thought Nick and Vanessa was awkward, I can’t even describe the horror of this idea and how it played out. SO. MANY. SIDE. HUGS.
Rachel’s first guy comes out and OF COURSE IT’S A BLACK GUY. ABC is being so extra with this, casually giving Rachel two white guys and two black guys. The first guy is followed by a string of two white guys, one of which said “once I go black I will never go back.” Someone please bury me alive.
And that, everyone, are the two token black guys of Rachel’s season!
Seriously though, these meet and greets are so painful I would rather watch Raven get dumped on a loop for the next 48 hours.
Thank you all for watching, reading, and recapping with me, and I will see you all when Olivia Pope returns to our Monday nights in May! XO