Thank god I have this show back in my life every Monday at 8pm. It’s one of those things you don’t know you miss until it’s gone. This week, just like every week, we are treated to The Bachelor drama we all know and love.
GROUP DATE #1
The first group date card of the season arrives and I forgot that this show thinks it’s chill to have like, fifteen girls on one date. Nick and his gals are getting set up for a wedding themed photo shoot with the most hilarious photographer ever.
The girls all get varying wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, or swimsuit bottoms if you are the lucky ones.
Poor Vanessa really drew the short end of the stick on this one. Exhibit A:
There were a lot of forgettable girls on this date, but ABC did their damnedest to let us know who this season’s villain is. Enter: Corinne.
Corinne is going to need so much therapy after this show. Maybe she should call up her soon to be frenemy, Taylor?
While most girls would cringe getting stuck with the topless wedding look of the day, Corinne was so jealous of Brittany that she turned her own photo shoot into a topless one too. Don’t worry though, she let’s us know that her Dad will for sure be proud. I doubt that, Corinne.
At the evening portion of the group date, Corinne (who might be 18 years old), manages to interrupt enough girls that she gets like 17 chances to hang out with Nick. She also enters a psychotic break when ONE girl interrupts her. And we thought Olivia got a bad edit last season.
Producers, I mean Nick, give the group date rose to Corinne. Just fucking stop ABC.
Back at the mansion, in between takes of Liz talking about her one night stand with Nick, Danielle M. gets the first 1 on 1 date of the season. That’s good for at least four more weeks on the show – good job Danielle M! Initially I thought her getting the 1 on 1 date was random but then we find out about her dead fiance and it all makes sense.
Attention whore Liz actually won’t STFU about the fact that she and Nick had sex. Not sure if you guys knew this but, Liz and Nick had sex at Jade and Tanner’s wedding!! Say Jade and Tanner’s wedding ONE MORE TIME Liz.
1 ON 1 DATE
Nick and Danielle have a relatively normal first date if you take away the helicopter and the yacht and the things that normal people don’t actually do. Their conversations don’t seem super forced and they honestly seem pretty normal which is weird because Nick Viall is not normal.
Has Nick always been this shifty? Nick is Shifty AF.
At the dinner portion of their date, we get the Bachelor gold. Danielle’s fiance passed away from a drug overdose. I’ve gotta give her props because she didn’t come off like she was using this to her advantage and it seemed pretty natural. Most girls (looking at you Juelia) use their dead husbands at awkward and inappropriate times to get a damn rose. Danielle played it right. Four for you Glen Coco!
Danielle gets a rose, obvi.
GROUP DATE #2
For our last date of the episode, we get to hear 45 more times about the time that Liz had sex with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Liz could at least have the decency to call it the #Janner Wedding. Between that, we get about 10 minutes of everyone walking around the Museum of Break Ups.
Nick is avoiding eye contact and conversation with Liz like a college kid that runs into their weekend hookup at school on Monday morning.
They have a display case with the ring Nick picked out for Kaitlyn, as if ABC would donate an expensive AF Neil Lane ring to this random museum on Nick’s behalf. Not.
All the girls have to do an improv break up scene with Nick, and OF COURSE Liz takes this shit too far and writes a literal breakup piece.
The evening portion of the date is (shocker!!) inundated with talk of #Niz (I’m sorry, I had to). If any of you readers read betches.com, Liz is a classic Delusional Dater. She has absolutely no chill. Nick ruthlessly gives her the ax on only his second group date of the season and I am AMPED. Sorry Liz, I’m sure you are a better person IRL.
ABC drops a “To Be Continued” on us in only the 2nd episode of the year, clearly does not care about our damn brackets.
See you all next week for our first real Rose Ceremony! May the odds be ever in your bracket favors!