Welcome to 2017 rose lovers! New Year, New Bachelor and I am here to break down the first two hours, also known as Nick Viall’s 17th shot at love. Solid track record.
In true Bachelor fashion, we are greeted with a montage of Andi/Kaitlyn break up scenes – these will never get old. JW why they didn’t include the iconic Andi ATFR segment?????? Ugh.
“Hi I’m Nick and I’m the Baschelor” – there has gotta be a speech therapist somewhere on staff here.
Next up we have the semi annual former Bachelor bro lunch AKA the Roast of Nick Viall. (FYI all locals, avoid Bogies at the WVI at all costs.) We are treated to regulation hotties Ben Higgins, Sean Lowe, and Chris Soules (???) who is unqualified AF.
Ben: “Yea dude you were pretty lame during our season with Kaitlyn TBH”
Sean: “Yea big D-Bag”
FINALLY we are graced with the totally unforced and unscripted intro videos!
- Rachel: Commonly confused for Olivia Pope. Attorney (real job!), fresh ass apartment she likes to vacuum. K that part was weird. Anyway 10/10 too good for this show.
- Josephine: knock off version of Vienna Girardi. Girl, bye.
- Vanessa: Speaks three languages, has good hair and is a SPED teacher. Also 10/10 too good for this show.
- Corrine: Shoot me now. Only saving grace is her Legally Blonde inspired float scene. Who would trust this girl with their business? Ugh. Just no. You can see her villain edit from an episode away. Also middle parts are so 2014.
- Danielle L: Of course the only Asian owns a nail salon. OF COURSE. She is fire tho. I am here for Danielle L.
- Raven: This girl SCREAMS Bachelor franchise. Hometown date for sure.
- Taylor: Bad sign as a mental health counselor to go on the one show that is arguably the worst for your mental health. Also from Seattle and let me tell you that it’s cold as shit here and no one roller blades in bikinis. NEXT.
- Danielle M: Neonatal Nurse. Whitney Bischoff reincarnated.
- DOLPHIN: Can’t even remember her real name but more on her later. We love dolphin-shark girl.
The limo entrances are all sort of blend together in a way that you kind of just want to fast forward. A few takeaways: Danielle L is literally flames. Can I be you? Many negative thoughts about THE Yellow Dress. That shit needs to be burned and returned directly to Windsor. Sarah and her lavender dress are both 10/10. Girls be hating on the sea of red dresses but I mean, who doesn’t love a good red dress? Winner of the Red Dress Competition: Whitney, close second Rachel.
The rest of the episode is weirdly drama free. A minute to talk about one night stand girl Liz. Her showing up on this show is delusional. Nick has banged so many girls in this franchise so I’m just wondering why she is showing this off instead of oh, idk, being embarrassed as hell. Anyways, this should fizzle quickly, I give her a week or two only because she is pretty.
First Impression Rose goes to Olivia Pope. I mean Rachel. Translation: Automatic Hometown Date.
COCKTAIL PARTY HIGHLIGHTS
- Alexis AKA the shark. Alexis is AMAZING. Not only is she unabashedly trying to convince everyone that her Katy Perry Left Shark costume is a dolphin, but she also managed to be the token drunk girl AND get a rose. Something tells me I will losE interest next episode when the shark ‘fit is just a distant memory.
- Vanessa: Again proving she is mildly too good for this show. She gets enough airtime to make me think she will make it pretty far.
- Corinne: I hate her but I also LOVE to hate her. Hopefully they can convince Nick to keep her around longer than Olivia Caridi lasted. Everyone love/hates a good villain. Also takes her top off in the season preview. Put that clip on your multi million dollar website, girl. This show is life.
Why is the rose ceremony 20 minutes long? What country is this blue dress girl from? I can not interpret this accent.
Oh how convenient that Liz magically gets THE LAST ROSE on table. Your time is ticking, sweetie. Better start scheduling your dog-sitting gigs with Jade and Tanner for your return next week.
We say goodbye to like 4 red dresses and 0 names I remember. All you guys have left to hope for is to pull an Izzy Goodkind on Paradise and to get Sugar Bear Hair endorsements. Happy Instagramming!
To wrap this up, I will leave you with my list of girls I love and hate, I know y’all care<
- Love: Danielle L, Sarah, Raven, Rachel, Left Shark
- Hate: Liz, Christen and her yellow dress, Corinne, Josephine
See you all next week! Xo