Dear J is a series in our TGS Sunday Letters. Each Dear J letter is written anonymously by one of our writers. These letters are the things we didn’t say, the things we wish we did and the things that we never will.
The first day I ever laid eyes on you, just as we were walking away from that inaugural conversation, I felt a tug. It came from deep within, from farther in my being than I normally knew how to reach. It was distinct and nearly tangible, and it was unlike anything I had felt before.
Months later, as I was falling, tumbling, nearly diving head over heels for you, I felt that tug again. But now it was a tethered tug, a string connected between two points. It was a string tying my heart to you.
From that moment on, these ties began to accumulate. Between hearts, minds, hands, lips, and what I believed to be souls.
In every way, I was tied to you.
In every part of me, I considered myself yours.
I want you to know, I would have woken up every day, for the rest of my life, choosing to keep those strings connected to you. Over and over again, I would have chosen the ties that made you and I an us. I would have fought to make the knots in those ties even stronger, to withstand any storm we may have faced.
And then, one day, years later, I realized that you didn’t feel those ties. That in all the years we had been together, there were no strings or knots connecting you to me. Separating us from everyone else, making our relationship different from all the others in our lives. To you, we had been living our separate existences that simply had fallen in step with each other.
To you, there were no everlasting ties.
It’s been two years now. Two years of me trying to cut the strings, undo the knots. Two years of me slowly disconnecting each part of me from you. It’s been slow and frustrating and hopeless and heart-wrenching, and it has tested every ounce of my strength.
Two years and it is almost done.
Every now and then I still feel it. Deep inside me, deeper than I know how to find. A little tug. How is it still there? How have I not undone it yet? Maybe it is that first tie, the initial one that gave me the confidence to take the risk and trust you to hold the other end of all those strings.
Maybe it will wear down with a little more time. Maybe eventually it will snap and I will no longer feel you out there. Maybe not. It scares me not to know. For now, all I can do is wait and see. Wait for the day that the tie ceases to tug.
But what scares me the most is that I don’t know if I actually want that day to come at all.