Dear J is a reoccurring series in the TGS Sunday Letters. Each Dear J letter is written anonymously by one of our writers. These letters are the things we didn’t say, the things we wish we did and the things that we never will.
I had a dream about you the other night. I don’t exactly know why, but I did. I haven’t thought about you in a few months but there you were, popping up in my subconscious. We were sitting in the backseat of a car with a mutual friend sitting between us just chatting and catching up. Then all of the sudden the car in my dream crashed. It weirdly played out like a movie and everything was in slow motion. As the car started to crash I could see your arm reaching over for me, trying to shield and protect me from what was coming. Of course since this was my dreamland, everyone was fine, no injuries sustained. Afterwards when we were on the street you pulled me to you and just held me. Then I woke up.
I see dreams as a weird way of your mind trying to show you things. What exactly it is trying to show is up to interpretation. This specific dream painted our relationship exactly the way it was in real life. Always close to each other but still an arms length away. I often wonder what it would have been like if we did get together. I would get small glimpses sometimes when you would pay for dinner without even questioning it or when you always checked in on me after a long day or when you seemed to have forgotten the way we perfectly stepped around each other and instead on one random Wednesday you blurted out that I looked beautiful. I never forgot that Wednesday.
You moved an entire country away and have a new girl in your life so I don’t think I’ll ever get an answer to what my subconscious is asking me. But I do think of you every few months, I wonder if you think of me too. I wonder if you have weird car crash dreams of us both reaching for each other. (Probably not, but maybe you do. Who knows.)
Some part of me is still reaching for you, I wonder if it will ever go away.