Dear J is a reoccurring series in the TGS Sunday Letters. Each Dear J letter is written anonymously by one of our writers. These letters are the things we didn’t say, the things we wish we did and the things that we never will.
I am so incredibly jealous of you. So jealous that sometimes it feels like my jealousy is consuming my entire being. Not only consuming my mind, but also my physical self. I try to run away from it but it feels like my legs are stuck in cement and I’m forced to keep staring at your light.
I’m not jealous of your beauty or your mind or your lifestyle. I’m not jealous of your wardrobe or your electronics or your house. I’m not even jealous of the man in your life. I could care less about these things. I have my own version of these things.
I’m jealous that you turned your passion into your career.
I’m so jealous that sometimes it feels like my heart has stopped beating and I’ve dropped dead because of this green monster inside of me. I’m jealous that someone took a chance on you. I’m jealous that someone has given you this freedom to bring life to the things inside of your mind, body and spirit. I’m jealous that no one has given that to me.
I know this makes me seem selfish. I know this makes me seem like a bad friend. I know this makes me seem terrible. I feel terrible for feeling, living and cultivating this jealousy – this jealousy you will never hear of or see from me.
Do you know how special you are that you were given this chance? I’m sure you do, I am positive you do. But just for my own sanity (and for the sheer fact that I am writing this letter) I am going to write out why it is so special.
You were handed the opportunity to turn your passion, your gift, into a career. Someone believed so fully in you that they decided to invest in your skill set because they wanted to give you the time to develop your talents and further explore the possibilities that they could expand to. I would kill for that. I would kill for someone to willingly choose to take a chance on me and let my wings soar soar soar.
By no means does my jealousy take away from my happiness for you, please do not confuse these two emotions. I am your number one cheerleader, now and always. My green monster only rears her head because I want what you have, not because I want you to lose what you have.
Sometimes I wonder if this cement will ever let my legs go free.