Welcome back to another week of “holy shit I can’t believe I’m going to watch this for four hours this week again.”
Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
Finally, after thre episodes and five hours of valuable life we may actually get a rose ceremony.
All of the men besides wifed up Derek are thirsty as fuck.
Robby is campaigning Amanda for her rose and is wearing creepy little low cut hidden socks and no shoes in the rain. I hate this robotic man.
Robby: “Can I kiss you?”
Amanda: “Why are you so sweaty?” Swerve.
In other news, Alex is pathetically searching for a girl to get a rose from. I would run from Alex if he tried to hit on me in a bar.
Jasmine: “Alex is so thirsty.”
Dean, the fuckboy of paradise, tells Kristina pre-rose ceremony that they should take a step back and slow things down. Somehow this mindfucks Kristina into thinking, “Yes I should definitely give Dean my rose!”
At the rose ceremony, we say peace to Iggy (BLESS), Vinny of fallen BIP3 fame, Alex and Santa Claus. Zero of which will be missed at all.
THE NEXT “WEEK”
It’s a new day and now that we have eliminated most of the annoying and creepy men, everyone seems to be refreshed.
To welcome us into this new week, Adam arrives. Sigh. I remember more about Adam’s doll than I do about Adam as a human being.
Omg Wells is so bad at bar tending. Those knife cuts on the limes are jagged as fuck and tbh it just makes me like him more. Wells is forever.
After consulting every female in the game, Adam asks Raven on a date because this girl doesn’t have enough men vying for her yet. Logic.
We see like 30 seconds of their date and that’s that. What ever will Raven do tonight with her rose!?
Now that Kristina desperately gave her rose to Dean to prove her love, it seems like the appropriate time to bring in some competition.
D-Lo arrives in paradise and every guy there pops a collective boner.
In case you are equally alarmed that this girl has been dubbed “D-Lo” her name IRL is Danielle Lo from Nick’s Season.
Admittedly, D-Lo looks fucking good but in this love triangle I am #TeamRussia all the way.
Danielle asks Dean on her date and all hell breaks loose in Sayulita.
They ride ATVs and Danielle is wearing a god awful combo over overly distressed jeans and a crop top that is cropped in all the wrong places.
Upon arriving back in Paradise, Dean puts on his best facade to act like he still wants to date Kristina when he CLEARLY wants the latest and greatest commodity of Paradise, D-Lo.
That night, the castaways have an extremely juvenile campfire where they sit around making smores. Did we run out of tequila or something? Man the shut down really changed this place.
While Dean and Kristina are seemingly hitting it off and seem to be rekindled, Dean bails and does the weirdest thing I have ever seen in my life
Dean: “Hey guys, big day, today is D-Los half birthday so I am here to present her a watermelon cake as a sign of my affection.”
Literally everyone else: “……..”
Shit has officially hit the fan and Kristina retreats to her bed for the first sob sesh of the summer. At least my girl Alexis is there to talk shit about fuck boy Dean and lift her spirits.
NIGHT TWO: PART ONE
Our next arrival in Paradise is Sarah and I kind of forgot about her for a few but I’m now remembering that I actually liked her a lot. Because this show functions solely off love triangles, she ends up asking Raven’s man Adam on a date even though every human in Paradise is shoving poor little Ben Z down her throat.
Raven: “One time in Dallas I saw Sarah cuddle with Adam.” Cuddle has to be code for sex in this case, right?
Adam: “I am really excited to go on this date with Rachel! Oh Shit. Wait.” Lmaoooo
Sarah and Adam go on a date that gets like a minute of airtime and it’s time to give up on these love triangles, ABC.
Lacey, after complaining for about 195793 minutes about how the guys here aren’t into her, gets presented a sympathy date card. She asks Diggy and I already pity the man.
Lacey and Diggy ride horses with Jorge’s Tourges. What the fuck is a tourge?
There’s no way he is getting a better paycheck for this gig than when he was employed by ABC.
Because Lacey isn’t allowed to have nice things, Domenique (I know, I didn’t know who she was either) gets dropped in Paradise like an early Christmas gift for Diggy. She is rocking her best Caribbean vacation braids and everyone won’t STFU about the braids. It’s becoming mildly racist, but then again this IS the same show that most likely staged a sexual assault so…
Taylor, resident awful person of Paradise, convinces Dom to ask Diggy on a date. Lacey is next up on our list of Paradise mental breakdowns. Please self eliminate Lacey, please.
Elsewhere, actually good human being Danielle M decides to bail on Paradise to go help starving kids in Africa. BUT FIRST we have to stage a possibly producer forced make out with her BFF Wells! Wait. I though Wells was just here to mix drinks?
We interrupt this season of Paradise yet again to force you through an hour of sit down time in the studio!
SIT DOWN WITH DEMARIO
Ok we got this big promo about a sit down with DeMario and you are really going to fucking make me watch Evan and Carly get a fake ultrasound on this stage. Sometimes (always) I wonder how I still watch anything in this franchise.
Chris please stop mentioning Evan and Carly’s jalapeño kiss date. I’m beginning to have PTSD.
Now that we have suffered through 40 minutes of Evan and Carly we finally get to the first sit down interview with DeMario
I don’t know about you Chris but I’m pretty sure DeMario sat down with E!, TMZ and like six other news outlets before this but ok.
We don’t really get anything we don’t already know outside of the fact that DeMarios mom is sad af about this situation.
On a serious note, I really feel for this guy. This franchise is doing THE MOST trying to kiss his ass.
Next week we get a sit down with Corinne which is poised to be a lot better than this considering she hasn’t spoken to anyone and also has a boyfriend at home. El oh el.
See you all next week!