We kick off night two of the Bachelor in Paradise premiere with an event that literally no one gives a fuck about, Carly and Evan’s wedding.
In attendance we have some solid Bachelor Nation celebrity sightings: one arm Sarah, Janner, Kaitlyn and Sean, Jared and Ashley I, Whitney Bischoff and her normal husband, the twins, and Nick and Vanessa.
Carly wants to have Jade’s life SO BADLY. Give it up, Car.
BUT FIRST let’s tbt to Carly’s Bachelor world experience, including but not limited to her awful eyebrows in BIP2, her overly dramatized breakup with Kirk and her impending failed breakup single Blindsided. This episode is LIT.
As we see our former cast members cruising into the wedding, I’m insulted that Chris Harrison just called these humans Bachelor royalty.
All of these Bachelor contestants in the wedding parties right now. Like do these people have real friends in the real world? How is Wells a groomsmen?
This Neil Lane ring is BOTTOM of the barrel. Note to self, if you want the rock you gotta get on the real deal.
I guess Evan’s kids didn’t make the guest list. Maybe their passports were expired? Or maybe the crazy baby mama forced ABC to blur out their faces?
POST SCANDAL POW WOW
Well at least Lacey had two weeks to grieve her gramps.
This talk with Chris is like when you’re parents come home in the middle of you throwing a high school party and lecture you and all your friends.
Taylor: “I told the producers I don’t drink and no one has ever tried to force me to!” Oh shut the fuck up Taylor. This makes so much sense, though, realizing Taylor is a sober boring person.
This cast is going TO BAT for the producers. Like stop it we all know UnReal is legit.
Taylor: “Everything we do and say here is our choice. Except for the script that production gave me before this meeting to read from.”
Y’all this cast it #TeamDeMario as fuck. Tbh so am I.
CBH: “Do you think race was a factor in this issue?”
Chris is quoting Corinne’s statement to Us Weekly and I am alive.
The people here who haven’t made a remark
The whitest people of the season. Just saying!
Why is Danielle M the narrator for the girls? Also Robby Hayes is legitimately a robot. I can’t look at him yet I also can’t look away.
There’s is genuinely nothing I want to hear about less than Taylor and Derek’s sexual tension. Nothing.
Jasmine has gotta stop choking men. I can’t believe that’s even a sentence I need to say.
Amanda is dropping fire this season. Maybe this is her revival?
Raven: “Alex please leave Amanda alone.”
Alex: *continues to stalk Amanda*
Vinny and Alexis role playing Amanda and Alex is a fucking gift.
Alexis as Amanda: “Are my children taller than you?”
TAYLOR AND DEREK’S DATE
Legit no comment. I hate this couple.
Well everyone, it’s official, we have been forced to watch four hours of Bachelor in Paradise with no rose ceremony in sight. Maybe we will get our first elimination by Labor Day? You can’t quite tell.
Until next week!