Bachelor in Paradise is back, y’all! After a brief two week depression over the potential that this show would cease to exist because of some completely valid and not fabricated whatsoever sex scandal, we are BACK IN ACTION.
Before we get into this season, we get an amazingly melodramatic public service announcement from our one and only Christopher Bryan Harrison.
Chris: “Welcome to Paradise, where as you know, there has been some trouble….in Paradise. We will show you EVERYTHING that went down (except of course, the only video that you viewers want to see) before production was shut down.”
THE THIRST TRAPS ARRIVE
To keep everyone out there interested, the first two thirsty singles to arrive in Paradise are Raven and Dean. It can only go downhill from here.
Next we get Kristina, and girl has got some new balayage hair going on and it is fire.
Dean and Kristina immediately bond about their shit upbringings and I SHIP this couple rn.
Dean: “Hey, so , I know you saw my season and I also know you’re an orphan and I basically am too so like, wanna make out?”
Next, Iggy arrives and this is the first time I’ve considered turning off my TV.
Iggy is followed by some randoms like Ben Z of #benzornfitness, Jasmine our token black girl this season, Jack Stone, Derek Halpert, and Lacey. WHO?
Lacey: “You guys might remember me as the girl who rode in on a camel on Nick’s season.” No one fucking remembers that or you, Lacey.
Aside from the randoms, we get a few more people with a higher level of #BachelorNation notoriety: Danielle M, DeMario, Alexis my queen, Alex the marine, Vinny, Diggy and his shoes, emotionally intelligent Taylor, Corinne my other queen, and ultimate thirst trap Amanda Stanton.
Amanda, for your own sanity, please depart this franchise. Amanda must have the most affordable child care, ever. I AM CRYING Amanda legitimately gave her Josh Murray engagement ring back to Chris.
Amanda is actually dropping some humor this season. In response to being asked why she is still single, Amanda says, “I tried dating apps, I swiped like 700 guys on Bumble. Then, I applied for the celebrity status one *cough Raya* and got wait listed…”
Next up, Matt (the who? from Rachel’s season) arrives in a penguin outfit and Nick arrives again in a Santa outfit. Nick, it didn’t work last season, it ain’t gonna work this season.
IMPENDING LOVE CONNECTIONS
Now that everyone has arrived and have had enough drinks to think this situation is a normal dating environment, weird couples begin to emerge.
A bizarre love triangle is starting with St. Nick, Matt the penguin and Jasmine. This is mainly bizarre because the first comment Jasmine made in Paradise is that she can’t wait for Rachel’s black guys to arrive. Kk, Jaz.
Lacey and Iggy (cringe) also have a makeout sesh and why are these people getting airtime?
The two clear hot commodities of Paradise are obviously fine AF Dean and Raven + her new tits.
The first serious couple we see beginning to form is boring as fuck Taylor and Derek.
Derek: “What do you look for in a guy?”
Taylor: “Someone that can go into the woods and build a fire.” Ok, girl, ok.
Kristina gets the first date card of the season and immediately capitalizes on Dean. Good move, K. They chat again about their depressing upbringings in the setting of mariachi music and that’s about it. #Kristean is happening.
Back at the Palapa, St. Nick is plastered and forcing Jasmine to choose nobody Matt. I have had enough of this love triangle.
I can’t even believe I am giving Robby Hayes his own sub-header in this thread, but ABC is making a spectacle of this robot.
Meanwhile on Instagram, Robby has coined a new hashtag on all of his posts and it’s #HayesCraze. There is no fucking craze about your Barbie hair, Robby. Speaking of his Barbie hair, Robby looks as plastic as ever.
After Robby arrives with a date card, he exclusively chats with only the most attractive girls in Paradise and settles on a date with Raven. POOR RAVEN.
In the best twist ever, Robby thinks this date went amazing and Raven is just not that into him.
Raven: “Human beings are only supposed to have 6 abs, not 12. Also, he spent the entire date talking about being an influencer on Instagram…..”
Meanwhile, Ben Z also is vying for Raven and after this date, it’s looking like he has a chance.
Ben Z is me AF talking to anyone who will listen about his dogs at home.
Now that I have spent an entire hour talking shit about Lacey, her grandpa apparently died so now I am an asshole.
CORINNE AND DEMARIO DRAMA
ABC has fucking bamboozled us yet again. After promising to show us everything leading up to the shutdown in Paradise they actually showed us nothing.
The only clips we get are Corinne and DeMario drunkenly swimming in the pool in broad daylight, and them drinking and hanging out like normal people who are interested in each other.
It’s now 9:55pm so we no we aren’t getting shit the rest of this episode.
We see producers pull both Corinne and DeMario aside to which they are both like “Why????”
Meanwhile, a producer comes on screen to “Shut It Down”, yet we mysteriously see more footage of these cast members in confusion. These people really don’t know how to act when the cameras stop rolling do they??
Now that production is *officially* shut down, our night one premiere comes to a close and THANK GOD this show is running twice a week. Check back tomorrow for our Premiere Part 2 recap!
Paradise is back, bitches!