What. A. Season. I can’t even believe the best show of the summer is already over and that six people embarrassed themselves by getting engaged after 18 days. Must be something in the water down there.
Paradise is winding down and we have one last rose ceremony before the couples are forced into break ups or engagements. I feel like there should be another option here.
Izzy gets dumped by lamp guy, freaks out, leaves Paradise (FINALLY because this girl has overstayed her welcome), and attempts to go crawling back to Vinny.
Izzy: “Vinny, Hi! So relieved the producers had you programmed into the only iPhone we have access to in Mexico. I miss you. Can I come see you in Florida?”
Vinny: “Who is this??”
Also Vinny: “You threw this away for a dude with a lamp, so nah.”
This was probably the highlight of Vinny’s run in Paradise.
At the rose ceremony, Shushanna bails, lamp guy bails, so Chicken Enthusiast & Lauren H. are basically left to be eliminated. I forgot they were there any way.
The next morning, Chris B Harrison gives the remaining couples a classic Paradise visit.
Chris: “Hey guys, come join me in the Palapa!” WTF is a palapa?
Chris drops some knowledge that basically means they will all get fantasy suite dates so they should just decide now whether they should stay or break up. Paradise logic.
Wells, realizing he would be forced to take a virgin to the fantasy suite and also realizing if he did that she would be even more obsessed with him than Jared, decides to run for the hills. Good move, Wells.
Wells: “Look, we are not getting engaged so we should probs go home now.”
Ashley: “WHERE is my Neil Lane?!!”
Grant and Lace have genuinely lost their minds in Paradise and I am kind of here for it. I don’t even remember anything from their date besides the fact that they got actual, real life, couples tattoos of their ‘Ship name. #RelationshipGoals
I used to call Grant and Lace #Grace as a joke but they literally took that shit to the next level with these tattoos and it is amazing. Have I mentioned how great this franchise is?
Carly and Evan get the weirdest date. No one EVER asked to see Evan in those tighty whiteys so I just can’t fathom why ABC would punish us like this.
Carly: “I guess because we are Carly and Evan they decided to give us the weird ass date.” Fact.
Jamanda are forced to hang out with some random street kids in Mexico and for the first time all season, Josh acknowledges Amanda’s kids. This engagement should end well.
Nick and Jen go to a carnival and chat with a fortune teller who basically tells Jen that she should GTFO now. That or the producers gave this lady a script. Probably the latter.
After dedicating endless hours of my life to this show, we finally get our dramatic BIP Finale with the *multiple engagements* they have been teasing all season.
This must be last season’s Neil Lane line because these rings are so meh. And how convenient! Neil only brought three rings to Paradise for them to choose from.
Neil to Nick: “You again?” At this point they should just exchange numbers. Can’t wait to see his response on round four.
Evan: “Carly will you freaking marry me?!!?” I can’t believe he used the term “freaking” in a proposal. I want to die.
Carly, out of every outfit you brought to Paradise, you chose that heinous purple dress/no bra combo for your engagement? Smfh.
I hate to say that this couple probably has the best chance of lasting between the three.
Grant and Lace get in a fight this AM, so the logical thing to do here is still get engaged.
Lace’s fake eyelashes are literally hanging on by a thread. I can’t even believe they made it through Paradise.
OMG why is Josh sweating so much. I can’t focus on anything else. Josh should have stuck with his classic Lululemon sweat wicking tops because this is hard to look at. (My boyfriend actually made me rewind this engagement so he could take a snapchat of Josh’s sweat).
At the end of the day, Josh wants to prove all the haters wrong so he gets engaged to the nicest girl he can find and even decides to look past the kids. What a guy.
Considering Nick was just announced as the next Bachelor, we all saw this one coming. All I can hope now is that ABC can convince Jen to come on Nick’s season, and start priming her for the next Bachelorette.
At least Jen still looks good when she cries. That is not easy.
And with that, another season of Paradise comes to a close. Three engagements is absurd and I can’t wait to stalk these couples in the tabloids for the next few months because of who I am as a person.