This week on Paradise was yet another shit show. Between all of the fights, near break-ups, and the announcement of the new Bachelor it was a wild week to say the least. Let’s get into it
We get started with the Caila and Ashley chat, and Caila is 100% done with this bitch.
Ashley: “Look I know I’m sort of crazy but I just don’t think you like him.”
Caila: “You are like a sister to Jared, so can you not.”
That passive aggressive comment by Caila might be the most I have ever liked this girl.
Meanwhile, Ashley is here to cry a few more tears and let us know that her dog Lucy (RIP, Lucy) died 6 months ago and that this is so much worse than that. Thank god she has the spirit of her dead dog to bring her a new man to get over Jared!
Enter: Wells (YASSS)
Wells is in paradise for about 4 secondss and every single human is shoving Ashley I down his throat. Poor guy had no idea what he was signing up for. For whatever uneducated reason, he actually agrees to take her on a date.
Wells: “Ashley, you have an awesome Instagram account!” Who says this?
Wells and Ashley really drew the short straw in Bachelor world based on the fact that I have seen them eat more tacos than I have ever seen a contestant on one of these shows eat at all.
We are also enlightened by the fact that Ashley’s favorite band is apparently Hanson. I can’t deal with this girl anymore.
This weeks rose ceremony is truly a tough pill to swallow. Everything is going great until the twins decide to pull a low level Brad Womack and not give out their final roses because all the guys in Paradise are fucking douchebags.
With that, we say goodbye to the best 3 remaining people on this show:
We also say goodbye to Ryan & Carl, but no one gives a shit about them and/or knows who they are.
Before the twins head back for their next shift at Marquee nightclub, they let Amanda know that Josh actually sucks and she should probably
read Andi’s book be careful. Josh has the biggest man meltdown ever, solidifying at least 50% of the “fictional” things Andi said about him in her book.
Josh: “I can’t even believe people are talking about me and my intentions. The only reason I have been single for this long is because my dog has cancer! I must take her to chemo every single day!”
At least Ashley and Josh can go cry about their dogs somewhere together once the cameras stop rolling.
Andi Dorfman is living for this moment.
The next morning, Jami (Canadian, Ben’s season, more ethnic than the rest) arrives and takes Wells on a date. Ashley shockingly does not jump into the riptide because if you haven’t heard, she is a changed woman!
Jami regrets everything about coming to Paradise the moment that humidity hits her hair.
In her boredom without Wells, Ashley decides to mess with Jared and Caila even more and her psychosis leads them to literally GTFO of Paradise. Respect.
Meanwhile, we are also joined by Lauren H. from Ben’s season, who has a really bad blonde going on. Cute outfit, tho.
Shushanna (another nobody) the Russian from Ben’s season also arrives, and her and Lauren are set for a double date.
Shushanna, who people keep referring to as “Shu” (pronounces shoe, lol) asks Wells, while Lauren asks Brett.
Jami and Ashley get to mutually bond over Wells going out with another girl.
Side note – Wells is the man of Paradise and I am HERE for it.
Izzy starts to panic because she broke up with Vinny for Brett and now he is on a date with a prettier girl. Karma’s a bitch, Izzy.
I don’t usually watch or talk about After Paradise, but last night we got the ground breaking announcement that Bachelor Icon NICK VIALL will be our next Bachelor and I am SO EXCITED. Spoiler alert, it clearly doesn’t work out with Jen – actually kind of sad about that.
Next week, we get the 2 night dramatic conclusion of Bachelor in Paradise, where we get to see multiple desperates get engaged after 21 days in Mexico. Ah, young love.
See you next week!