Bachelor in Paradise is everything. The much anticipated S3 debut was everything I could have ever hoped for and more.
First, we are “introduced” to a few of the cast offs that will be joining us in Paradise (Do you honestly think we don’t know who these people are? More than half of these viewers (me) live and die for this shit.)
Yasss Nick Viall is back for his 3rd Bachelor Nation TV appearance. Chris Bukowski needs to come out of hiding soon or Nick is going to take his title of most Bachelor appearances ever (five I think – shameful AF).
Also joining us in Paradise – the twins, the Chad, Damn Daniel, Evan (kill self), Grant, Lace (our Queen), Carly ‘I can’t pencil my eyebrows’ Waddell, Sarah Herron (who has been working on her beauty regime – looking good girl), Jubilee, Vinny, Amanda Stanton, and Izzy (who?).
Amanda is first to the beach, and is already getting the best edit of this season, as well as the best fashion budget.
Everyone, upon Izzy’s arrival: “Who the hell?”
Daniel is everything I hoped he would be. Also is still pursuing a career as a Canadian, eh.
Most everyone arrives, but let’s be real the first hour is just a build up to Chad’s arrival. The shaking glasses. The scurrying animals. The suicide dive birds. Somebody give this edit team an Emmy.
Chad arrives and is seemingly normal for now. FOR NOW. More on this later.
Evan unzips and lurks through Chad’s suitcase like he is a TSA employee. Go home Evan.
Can someone please tell me what all these girls see in Jared? I mean, nice guy, but a 6 at best.
Jubilee gets the only date card of the night because we have wasted so much time on Chad. She asks Jared and they are chatting about Lord of the Rings in a sea of pinatas and are interrupted by a CLOWN. Who’s idea was this?
Jubilee: “I’ve been to war and back, yet here I am screaming over a clown.”
Side note, Carly has taken a new route with her eyebrows and it is still as bad as last season. Better luck on BIP 4?
Back at the resort, Hurricane Chace is heating up. ABC actually dubbed Chad and Lace as Hurricane Chace and it’s amazing. They essentially alternate between making out, calling each other bitches, taking shots, and hitting each other. Meanwhile everyone else is literally posted up and eating observing Chad and Lace.
Meanwhile, Vinny and Izzy (I shall call them Vizzy) are shaping up to be the biggest nobody couple in BIP history.
Blackout Chad calls Lace, our Queen, a bitch for the 1000th time, makes fun of Sarah’s nub (also refers to her as Arm-y McArm-ysen. I hate myself for laughing), takes some swings at his pal Daniel, threatens to murder everyone in the entire house, passes out in the sand, and possibly shits himself.
This is peak Bachelor in Paradise.
The morning rolls around and it is awkward AF. Our king Chris B Harrison gathers the vacationers and tells Chad he needs to GTFO.
Chris B Harrison: “Chad, you told everyone on the hotel staff to suck a d*ck.” I am so alive rn.
Chad: “Take a joke, guys.”
King CBH tells Chad he is getting sent home and he blows a fuse.
Chad: “I WILL NOT LET THIS SHOW MAKE ME LOOK THIS BAD”
CBH: “Chad, man, just go home”
Chad, committing the ultimate Bachelor Nation sin: “F*ck you Chris Harrison. Go back to your hotel and watch this show in your robe with your mimosa.”
God I love this show. Bring on Ashley I! See you next week!